I had a vivid dream last night.
I dreamed I was in an auditorium, sitting down, at a show of some sort with two men, one on either side of me. It became obviously after a short while that the relationship between the three of us was not functional, was not healthy. It had to end. There was so much bickering and posturing, and unkind communication.
I realized that we were a threesome – together in a polyamorous relationship, much like a married couple, but there were three of us. One of the men got up and walked away. It was quiet between me and the man on my other side. Then, after a while, we began talking, and it soon became clear to me that the man with whom I was speaking was my original husband, and that if the other man were gone, we could go back to the warmth of a healthy relationship. My disappointment turned into elation, and the conversation soared. I remembered sweetness from the beginning of our marriage, although it had been very ugly the last few years. I yearned for a return of the sweetness that was possible with just the two of us.
I awoke.
I thought through the dream, still feeling vestiges of the joy at the prospect of renewing my relationship with the sweet, considerate, wonderful man that I knew from the past. And then I felt devastated. Because although we had practiced polyamory, it had never been with another man. Unfortunately, my real-life husband was both of the men in my dream. He was both the sweet man I remembered, and at the same time he was the man that had dogged our marriage for years. It was a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They are inseparable. I cannot choose Jekyll without inviting in Hyde.
Written June 23, 2014